My mom is very sick, has been for 10 months now. You can read more about it here. She has brain cancer. She was diagnosed last November, had surgery 2 days later to remove a large brain tumor and has been on somewhat of a downward slope since. She now spends her days laying on a hospital bed at my grandparents house. For the most part she eats and sleeps. She doesn't talk much anymore, can't move a whole lot and every once in awhile a few tears slip down her cheeks, although she won't tell you why.
When there is something going on in your life that is an emotionally heavy burden there are days where life seems pretty normal. You go about your day to day life not allowing yourself to give too much thought to what is heaviest on your heart. But then there are other days, like today, where you just are unsettled, upset, frustrated, angry.
So what do you do? Well this is what I did.
I started my quiet time, praying for the things that I needed to pray for...praying the way I was supposed to...you know having nice "christian" thoughts and praying the right "christian" prayers. But then I just said it...on paper and in my heart....
"Help my attitude God, it seems so unfair!"
And then I sat. I sat there waiting on something...something to make me feel better, something to help it make sense, something...anything!!!!!!!
This is what I wrote next...."Faith. The size of a mustard seed."
That's when I let myself start to think...what if.
What if Mom could walk again. Not just walk, but go back to Jim's Gym and work out everyday.
What if Mom could hold my babies again. Not just hold them, but take care of them for an hour or two so I can get away.
What if Mom had energy again. Not just some, but enough to go shopping for an entire day, go out to dinner, go to a movie and go home and do a People crossword until midnight.
What if Mom could use her left hand again. Not just use it, but sew and smock and applique and make beautiful things for my kids to wear.
I know that I know that I know that I know that God can do this...all of this, and more for that matter. I don't know why he hasn't or if he will. But I trust in the fact that whatever he does
- that is is perfect - "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
- that it is beyond me - "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9
- that it is for a reason - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
God gave me just what I needed. Comfort for today. A reminder of his strength, his love and FAITH in his perfect plan.