Tuesday, September 8, 2009

What If....

My mom is very sick, has been for 10 months now. You can read more about it here. She has brain cancer. She was diagnosed last November, had surgery 2 days later to remove a large brain tumor and has been on somewhat of a downward slope since. She now spends her days laying on a hospital bed at my grandparents house. For the most part she eats and sleeps. She doesn't talk much anymore, can't move a whole lot and every once in awhile a few tears slip down her cheeks, although she won't tell you why.

When there is something going on in your life that is an emotionally heavy burden there are days where life seems pretty normal. You go about your day to day life not allowing yourself to give too much thought to what is heaviest on your heart. But then there are other days, like today, where you just are unsettled, upset, frustrated, angry.

So what do you do? Well this is what I did.

I started my quiet time, praying for the things that I needed to pray for...praying the way I was supposed to...you know having nice "christian" thoughts and praying the right "christian" prayers. But then I just said it...on paper and in my heart....

"Help my attitude God, it seems so unfair!"

And then I sat. I sat there waiting on something...something to make me feel better, something to help it make sense, something...anything!!!!!!!

This is what I wrote next...."Faith. The size of a mustard seed."

That's when I let myself start to think...what if.

What if Mom could walk again. Not just walk, but go back to Jim's Gym and work out everyday.

What if Mom could hold my babies again. Not just hold them, but take care of them for an hour or two so I can get away.

What if Mom had energy again. Not just some, but enough to go shopping for an entire day, go out to dinner, go to a movie and go home and do a People crossword until midnight.

What if Mom could use her left hand again. Not just use it, but sew and smock and applique and make beautiful things for my kids to wear.

I know that I know that I know that I know that God can do this...all of this, and more for that matter. I don't know why he hasn't or if he will. But I trust in the fact that whatever he does

- that is is perfect - "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

- that it is beyond me - "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9

- that it is for a reason - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

God gave me just what I needed. Comfort for today. A reminder of his strength, his love and FAITH in his perfect plan.


  1. Lindsay,

    Please know that I am praying for not only your mother, but your family. It is a strange and bewildering feeling when God throws something at us, especially when we think we are living our lives just the way He wants-and maybe we are.

    Whatever you do, please continue to place your hope in the Lord.

    "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

    God Bless,
    Emily Rice

  2. Thanks for posting that Linds.

    I have been having one of those days today too. Must be in the air. I was nothing short of pleading with God during my prayer time today. Sometimes I simply feel as if I don't have enough faith or that it is not simple enough. I know that Satan is trying to weigh me down and leave room for doubt.

    My prayer is always the same, that our God, the creator of this universe, would reach down His hand and wipe out every evil cancer cell in her body never to return and raise her up out of that bed restoring her completely. I know that He is capable but I also know that He has a plan for our family no matter what that may be and we may not know any time soon.

    The other day Kaitlyns mom came to pray with mom and she spoke in her prayer that we pray expectantly because that is what God promises in the Bible, that we should expect for our prayers to be answered.

    I wish that I was there to be with you but until we can be together, feel God's presence and rest in that. I love you!


  3. Lindsay,
    You have such an awsome faith. I see and read what you and Emily write and the love that you have for God just pours out of your words. Know that you are in our prayers daily and your mom as well. May God's Comfort be with you and all around you.

    Jennifer Koch

  4. first of all i want to say thank you for the example you are. i only can imagine how difficult this time is for you. know that God places you and your family on my heart often and i lift up prayers on your behalf.

    secondly, i'm really excited you have started blogging. it will be a great way to keep up with each other. john and i also have a blog where we both post. you'll have to check it out sometime. :)

  5. Thanks for your words...they echo the feelings we all have at times, but have a hard time expressing. I have tears today as I share your sorrow.

  6. Lindsay,
    Thank you for directing me to these pictures of your mom, smiling and loving. I remember the many FFE competitions she and I chaperoned and truly appreciated getting to know her, and sharing an entire jar of my green pepper jelly with her. We giggled over our "sinful indulgence"...then I had to give her the recipe! :) She was a wonderful person and will always be remembered dearly.
    Debbie Dubocq